It has to be the most uninteresting year in science – in the 3 months that have passed, absolutely nothing has broken the laws of physics, concludes a paper published in the Proceedings of the National Institute of Science (PNIS).

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“No faster than light travel, no cloning of extinct animals, all we’ve had is normal, insightful advancements – you can’t really do science like that. Nobody cares about advancements in medicine or space exploration, people want the real juice, something that just blows your mind when you read it, you know, the kind of things the Daily Mail picks up”, said John D. Orian, a researcher at Sacred Heart University.

With no groundbreaking news, many magazine writers have had to work overtime to blow regular research out of proportions, which poses a real threat to the economy. Previously, in 2012 an 2013, most editors would just change the title of research papers, take some ideas out of context and publish the results, but now, they have to also spend time exaggerating the studies, which brings costs of over $200 million a year, about  0.1% of Exxon Mobil’s yearly profit.

President Obama has also declared he is worried about this decreasing trend in the sensationalism of the news. Government advisor Yu Ka Shing said:

“This trend has been visible for years, but now it’s just off of the charts! Perhaps it’s time to pull the plug on some of this useless research and invest in some sustainable technologies, such as oil exploration, so that we can ensure a better world for our children”, said Ka Shing.

This statement was hailed by Republicans, who are also upset that science gets almost as much time on television as religion when it comes to issues like evolution and education.

“There you go, science can’t even break the laws of physics – religion does that all the time! We have that “birth of the universe” thing all figured out, the only thing we’re still struggling with are tides, but that can’t really be explained.”, said Bill O’Reilly, a Republican spokesperson political analyst.

 

*As I’m sure you already figured out, this is not a real article – it’s just a tradition we have here at ZME Science. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check the date.

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