Credit: Flickr, Michael Mayer.

Credit: Flickr, Michael Mayer.

You might know her for her award-winning roles in such movies as The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999) or The Royal Tenenbaums (2001), but nowadays Gwyneth Paltrow is focused on other projects with acting coming second. She’s the author of several food books, the owner of a lifestyle online magazine and shop called ‘Goop’, and self-proclaimed alternative medicine guru. Thanks to Paltrow’s work, some people may now think bras cause cancer, jumping on a trampoline is vastly better for health than running, colon cleansing is a must to remove toxins or (PRO TIP) vagina steam with mugwort will balance female hormone levels. Suffice to say these claims are all unproven and might actually result in some health complications.

And Paltrow is at it again, it seems.

Steaming your vagina for 45 minutes isn’t enough to get those female energies moving. Most recently, Goop fans and readers are invited to buy a jade egg — a very solid, golf-sized object — with the intended purpose of sticking it straight in that temple of awesomeness between your legs. You’re advised to keep it there for 24 hours straight — even when you’re sleeping — to reap the benefits. Here’s how a recent blog post on Goop advertises the product.

“From Kegels and the Elvie to vaginal steaming and even laser treatments, we’re not shy here at goop about our interest in keeping our sexual/reproductive systems in optimal health.”

“The strictly guarded secret of Chinese royalty in antiquity—queens and concubines used them to stay in shape for emperors—jade eggs harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice. Fans say regular use increases chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general.”

Credit: Goop.

It’s not only for better orgasms…

“Jade eggs can help cultivate sexual energy, increase orgasm, balance the cycle, stimulate key reflexology around vaginal walls, tighten and tone, prevent uterine prolapse, increase control of the whole perineum and bladder, develop and clear chi pathways in the body, intensify feminine energy, and invigorate our life force. To name a few!”

And that’s not all. It seems Goop Labs have found sticking stuff in that punani is good for the liver too!

“The jade creates kidney strength—it’s known as jing in Chinese energy, and it’s all about sexual potency, and even beauty—if your hormones are balanced, your skin will look better. It’s a holistic combination of things, where one benefit builds to another. Jade also takes away negativity and cleanses—it’s a very heavy material, very powerful.” (who writes these? Donald Trump?)

Credit: Giphy.

In a very long Q&A, Shiva Rose, who is apparently an expert at jade egg … penetration, explains how to use and store the item. The process and setting are very important, she notes.

“Specific instructions come with each egg, explaining exactly how to insert it: Use your finger, and don’t get discouraged—remember, it’s a practice. If you stand up and the egg falls out, don’t worry—it’s totally normal. It’s recommended that you start with a medium-size egg, which is heavier. I can only use the medium lying down; I can sleep with it, or I just do the practice lying down. The smaller size is for standing up, but most experts say it’s important to start with the harder one, which is the medium.”

“Before I insert an egg, I’ll do a ritual: I place it on a beautiful piece of fabric, light a candle, maybe even burn some sage. For my ritual, I imagine pure light flowing between me and the egg.

“Always wrap the egg in silk, keep it clean, and store it on an altar—it should take a sacred place in your life.”

By now, you must have bruised your forehead from the most intense facepalming session ever. Indeed, some might try to hurt themselves after reading this, while others will simply buy on impulse. Shut up and take my money, right? Believe it or not, this snake oil item is sold out for both models: the cheapskate rose quartz version priced at $55 and the rejuvenating jade $65 version. That might not be all that surprising considering Paltrow has listed all sorts of wackier items on her shop previously, like a $15,000 dildo plated in 24k gold.

Suffice to say, some doctors aren’t happy with Paltrow’s vaginal eggs. Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB/GYN for Kaiser Permanente in San Francisco, called the idea “the biggest load of garbage”.

“Nothing says female empowerment more than the only reason to do this is for your man!” she wrote on her blog. “And then the claim that they can balance hormones, is quite simply, biologically impossible…As for female energy? I’m a gynecologist and I don’t know what that is!?”

Gunter had a few words to say about the potential health risks Goop customers might subject themselves to.

“As for the recommendation that women sleep with a jade egg in their vaginas I would like to point out that jade is porous which could allow bacteria to get inside and so the egg could act like a fomite. This is not good, in case you were wondering. It could be a risk factor for bacterial vaginosis or even the potentially deadly toxic shock syndrome.”

“Regarding the suggestion to wear the jade egg while walking around, well, I would like to point out that your pelvic floor muscles are not meant to contract continuously. In fact, it is quite difficult to isolate your pelvic floor while walking so many women could actually clench other muscles to keep the egg inside. It is possible the pained expression of clenching your butt all day could be what is leading people to stare, not some energy glow.”

“The only thing your post got right is to check with your doctor before using one. So let me give you some free advice, don’t use vaginal jade eggs.”

Paltrow, please stick to what you know and leave the downstairs antics to the professionals. What ancient ‘therapy’ are you gonna dig up next? Here, I’ll help you — for free!

Egyptian women dosed with horse saliva as a cure for an impaired libido. And let’s not forget about donkey, dog, gazelle and fly dung which were all celebrated for their healing properties and their ability to ward off bad spirits.

Ancient Greek doctors believed that a woman’s womb was a separate creature with a mind of its own, so to keep the womb from taking a hike women were consoled to “fumigate” their heads with sulfur and pitch while simultaneously rubbing pleasant-smelling lotions between the thighs. The logic is simple: the womb flees bad smells and can only return to its rightful place.

In more recent time, in Victorian England,  the prescription for female hysteria was usually to have a doctor administered vaginal massage until the woman achieved “hysterical paroxysm.”

Really, I could go on for days.

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