It’s remarkable to see two of the most powerful testaments to man’s technical ingenuity appear in the living room and the battlefield. One look at either would tell you that the greatest scientific minds on the planet are determined to keep pushing the boundaries of technology, mainly because (1) we all want to make life on this planet easier for everyone, and (2) we just really, really like destroying things.
The first of the reasons just entails solving whatever problems we currently have in the most comfortable and efficient ways possible. In some ways, it enables us to get the things we want with relative ease. Meanwhile, the latter reason led to the greatest breakthroughs in technology being developed during wartime. It can’t be denied that the most impressive displays of science in action tend to be the most dangerous ones, too.
Thanks to the Internet, convenience and the power to cause maximum damage have found some sort of middle ground. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), they cost a boatload of money. Take a look at this list of five sophisticated machines that you can own right now, for the right price.
Tanksforsale offers, well, tanks for sale. You can choose from an assortment of models to suit your preference and add a little spice to your garage. Unfortunately, since driving a private tank is illegal on pretty much every road you’d most likely think of driving one on, it doesn’t exactly serve any real purpose aside from being a nice background piece for taking pictures that impress your Facebook friends (and being a very convincing case against making online purchases while drunk).
The Landwalker is a 10-foot tall monstrosity that would seem as if it were built with futuristic warfare in mind, if only it weren’t almost completely useless for anything other than being able to tell other people that you own a real-life Hellcat from MechWarrior. For about $ 350,000, you can own this beautiful, bipedal piece of…slow-moving, easily defeated horror. You see, it’s called the Land Walker for a reason: it can’t walk on surfaces that aren’t perfectly flat, and can only go as fast as about a mile per hour. You’d be more likely to die of boredom than of any actual physical danger. It also fires a bunch of soft pink balls, which is significantly less impressive than a robot that shoots Care Bear beams. Still, it’s huge as hell, and would probably cause significant damage by simply walking straight into a wall or something.
An Automated Paintball Gun
Why get a security guard when you can have a gun that bruises your enemy AND ruins his favorite shirt?
The Mercenary is every extreme paintball player’s fantasy come true. It’s a turret attached to a high-powered computer that shoots paintballs, programmable in the sense that it lets you select targets based on color and movement. It also has “predictive logic” (generally making it very hard to dodge) and adjustable aggression settings, making it more than a match for opposing paintball players, would-be burglars, and Spider-Man cosplayers. Hell, all it needs now is a VoIP service for taunting your hapless targets all the way from your living room.
Join the ranks of Boba Fett, Buzz Lightyear and James Bond as you fly around in your very own Go Fast! jetpack. Well, maybe not yet, as they appear to be a bit behind schedule according to their website. They already offer party packages for demo appearances, though, if you’re willing to trade your money and everyone’s safety and self-esteem for a few minutes of watching a guy flying around in a giant backpack. Unfortunately, not everyone can be eligible for jetpack ownership – the website states that only qualified applicants with appropriate training can purchase a jetpack for themselves, probably because flying wildly through the air can be particularly deadly.
The sight of the business end of a mini-gun usually inspires terror in the hearts of war veterans, Fallout players, and, well, I’m not exactly sure what point I’m trying to make here because I’m pretty sure anyone would wet their pants at something so horrifying. Perhaps the most lethally efficient portable weapon in the history of every single weapon in the world ever, the mini-gun is understandably impossible to find in the hands of an untrained civi- wait, what? You can actually buy one of these things? Provided you can find one (and have four hundred grand to spare), you can own your very own mini-gun for… I don’t know, kicks?
Honestly, though, aside from the coolness factor, I can’t really think of any reason why you’d want to own any of these. Then again, I probably just answered my own question.